Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk