Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes