Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

Terribly Tuesday.

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

checking out some reviews of my local library

When I grow up, I want to be 16

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.