@MommaUnfiltered

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

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@junejuly12

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

@dragonsorbet

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

@GoodZiIIa

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

@ninavarelas

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

@MooseAllain

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

@atDevin

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

@10kbabyspiders

You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.

@kumailn

“I’m old.” -everyone over the age of 18