If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
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[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
“I’m old.” -everyone over the age of 18