Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here