Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
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My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
“you changed” bro i was 15
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.