Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

🤔😂😂

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?