ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
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He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
August 8
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings