ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I cannot call her anything else now
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.