ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
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If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.