me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
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Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up