Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

thanksgiving should be called feaster

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

catch me on valentine’s day like

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once