me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
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I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
wtf management?!
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum