Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

You learn something every day

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet