Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

I have questions??

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit