Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.