Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

A wise man once said nothing.

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒