me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
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~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays