@tiemoose

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

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@dafloydsta

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

@iamdevloper

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

@Sassafrantz

Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: he’s cute, how old is he?

Guy: 25 months

Me: first kid?

Guy: yeah, how’d you know?

Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”

@Brentweets

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

@MooseAllain

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

@SommerofMandi

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

@lias__

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid