[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
me: a carrot is a crop
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
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Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
Me: he’s cute, how old is he?
Guy: 25 months
Me: first kid?
Guy: yeah, how’d you know?
Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
If half-empty water bottles were currency, I’d be rich af.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid