Me: A cool person followed me I better step up my tweets.

5 mins later: Can you die from eating the sticker off an apple?

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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.


Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe


– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog


People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!


Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!


“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.


Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.


I always thought I was attracted to men but this chick eating a Snickers on the elliptical has me questioning things.


I’d definitely watch a show with Dr. Phil going door to door reading people’s Google search history out-loud with the most judgmental stare.


[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”