Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Super Hand Dog Face
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material