After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: A cool person followed me I better step up my tweets.
5 mins later: Can you die from eating the sticker off an apple?
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Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I always thought I was attracted to men but this chick eating a Snickers on the elliptical has me questioning things.
I’d definitely watch a show with Dr. Phil going door to door reading people’s Google search history out-loud with the most judgmental stare.
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”