Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
You Might Also Like
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine