Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
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I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”