Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
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This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way