Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
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“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?