Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
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[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo