Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time