Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Damn he played himself

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.