[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”