Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

oh my gosh!!

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.