Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

Dietest Coke

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀