Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
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I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES