Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

The point of your 20s

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

The police never think its as funny as you do.

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!