Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
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Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels