Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
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The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?