ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
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Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
There are usually two types of merchants.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
