Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
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Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.