Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
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Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
