Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?