ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
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“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Now, where’s the sport in that?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Most fashion shows these days…