me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
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[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
what’s more important?
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.