Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
You Might Also Like
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?