Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
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Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Air conditioning – not a fan
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Hmmmmm
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?