Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.