Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

🤣🤣🤣

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot