Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sign at work today

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.