Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

Noah was an idiot.

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup