Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
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I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”