Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
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I ate everything, including the H.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
A great tip. #CakeRex
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.