Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

canadian assassins are called killergrams

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.