Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
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A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
A new level of troll.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Bringing back this classic
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.