I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
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Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
You have been warned.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow