me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
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[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.