me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
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Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Just had my nails done!
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?