Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

translated into Canadian

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

Jupiter