Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

🤯🤯🤯

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.