Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?