ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
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HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes