ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
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[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
real
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My brain is a bad influence on me
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up