Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

I don’t think my car can fly

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

My favorite type of men is ramen.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.