Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Banana is the quietest snack

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

😂

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

What a chick magnet..

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?