Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
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Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?