Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.