Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
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my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?