Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As per my last nervous breakdown

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow