Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
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Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
What do you call a retired miner?
Doug
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too