Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
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Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
everyone’s a critic
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
