Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
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Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
how do y’all walk in shallow water
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.