Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*