Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
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Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
about to have the best blueberries of my life
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.