@JodingersCat
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
@ThugRaccoons
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
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@JodingersCat
@iwearpajamas
My girlfriend talks to her dog like it’s going to talk back.
Kind of like when Christians talk to God.
@PhilJamesson
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
@AmericanGent69
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
@piyush938
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
@pilau
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
@lawrence_bear
Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
@dumbbeezie
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
@FeelingEuphoric
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
@AllanForsyth
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.