[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
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Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
#DesignFail
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.