Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

I was bored.

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

He’s cranky this morning

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

this is the best day of my life

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.