Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

awkward

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

Story of my life…..

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.