Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
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If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed